Oh, the pleasures I amass
With a dildo made of glass,
With the equal of a porn star in my hand,
If I can’t arrange some sex,
There’ll be special effects,
The dildo is its own exclusive brand.

I’m my own piece of ass
With a dildo made of glass,
With a simulated penis in my palm,

It’s the “Hallelujah Chorus”
When it’s rubbing my clitoris,
And as for you, my dildo, you da bomb!

Dildo! Do you love me the way I love you?
Do you know that I’ll always be true?
With the way that you do what you do?

The sex is never crass
With a dildo made of glass,
Nor is it in any way obscene,
And it’s certainly not coarse
But simply hung just like a horse,
My indefatigable sex machine!

I never say “Alas!”
With a dildo made of glass
Because the satisfaction’s guaranteed,
There’s no cock deflating
But only stimulating
With the perfect touch and with the perfect speed.

Dildo! Do you love me the way I love you?
Do you know that I’ll always be true?
With the way that you do what you do?

[ EXTRA YIDDISH VERSION:
Life is always mishegas
With a dildo made of glass
And how it always makes me feel good all over (ovuh)
There are never needs nor wants
With this dedicated shvantz
That makes me always want to shriek “Jehovah!”]